Emotions are not black and white
Jūratė Girdziušaitė, a medical psychologist and psychotherapist at the Personal Health Clinic, often encounters persistent public beliefs in her practice that there are “good” emotions that “can” be felt and “bad” ones that “should not” be felt. It is also sometimes believed that an emotion must either be suppressed or expressed (no matter how, no matter what the long-term consequences will be), but the most important thing is “not to keep it inside.”
According to her, usually what people like and what gives them pleasure, they tend to evaluate as “good,” and if something makes them feel worse – as “bad.” This means that if I don’t like feeling this way, it’s “bad.”
“Often, such guidance by the feeling of pleasure and satisfaction is appropriate (for example, if I like the sensation in my body after a physical workout, I will try to repeat it and seek physical activity), but if we apply this principle to emotions, we will encounter an exaggerated, reality-distorting simplification that will affect our decisions, and they – the quality of our lives,” explains the specialist.
She emphasizes that any emotion is a certain piece of information for us about ourselves, about our environment. And if we reject unpleasant, “bad” emotions, for example, deny our sadness, we will also reject the fact that we have lost something, because that is precisely the message this emotion sends.
“We need all emotions, both pleasant, uplifting, and difficult, painful. And even more importantly, how we deal with them: do we deny them (“I never get angry”), suppress them, avoid them, “vent” them (“I yelled at her, I don’t suppress my emotions”), or do we manage them constructively – in a way that the experience associated with these emotions helps us grow,” summarizes J. Girdziušaitė.
What suppressing emotions actually does
The psychologist notes that avoiding and suppressing emotions can lead to different consequences depending on how long and how intensely we suppress them. This can cause both psychological problems of varying intensity and more pronounced mental disorders, which, by the way, can also be the cause of a person’s dulled emotions.
This can manifest as somatic symptoms (body tension, headaches, digestive disorders), emotional numbness, relationship difficulties, impulsivity, or, conversely, complete withdrawal from life.
Long-term avoidance of emotions often creates a vicious circle: the more a person avoids, the stronger the emotions become and the harder they are to manage.
J. Girdziušaitė reminds us that suppressing emotions contributes to conflicts in the family or at work: “As I mentioned, emotions are information for us about what is happening inside us and in our environment, and if we avoid this information, we will lose a lot of knowledge about what is happening around us. Of course, this will eventually lead to disagreements or a person will simply “explode” and “vent” not where and not when it is needed.”
Fear of emotions often leads to inaccurate assumptions about other people’s intentions: when we don’t name our feelings, we become more prone to interpreting others’ behavior through a defensive lens. This creates tension and miscommunication both in the family and in the work environment.
The specialist from the Personal Health Clinic explains how emotion management differs from suppression: “Emotion suppression is pretending that I feel nothing, while management is when I acknowledge that I am experiencing something, can identify exactly what I am experiencing, why I am experiencing it, and can react in the most optimal way. There is no single appropriate reaction for all cases.”
The psychologist points out that to understand if we are afraid of our emotions, we can ask ourselves what our relationship with emotions is, and honestly answer it: “Do I allow myself to feel everything that arises within me, or perhaps do I only allow myself to feel in a certain way? Or do I feel other feelings because I feel one way or another (for example, I worry because I am experiencing anxiety)?”
It is also worth paying attention to behavioral patterns: does a person constantly engage in activities just “not to feel” (excessive work, sports, screens), or avoid situations where stronger feelings might arise, or often say “everything is fine” even though their body shows tension. Fear of emotions often manifests itself in a person quickly moving to rationalization and analysis, but avoiding dwelling on the feeling itself.
Read more A host of famous faces at the vibrantly colored ‘For Equality’ march in Vilnius
Where we get our emotion taboos from
According to J. Girdziušaitė, we all come from our childhood, and the examples we saw in our environment, how our actions were reacted to, all these experiences we carry into adult life.
“If we grew up in an environment where certain emotions (anger, fear, joy, or others) were taboo, we will have difficulties dealing with them as adults. Or perhaps it was an environment where experiencing any emotion was perceived as a weakness, as foolishness, or as a sign that “nothing will come of such a person.” Or, conversely, it was an extremely noisy environment where any emotions were intensely experienced, and we learned that “this is how it should be,” – the psychologist provides examples.
She emphasizes that if, as adults, we realize that we don’t like how we feel, how we deal with what we feel, it is worth making changes independently or with the help of specialists.
Also, according to J. Girdziušaitė, the cultural environment and the values promoted have a huge impact on how a person accepts or does not accept their emotional life.
“I observe the exaltation of joyfulness and constant energy, while other experiences are devalued. In practice, I encounter complaints that “I don’t want to feel that sadness, anxiety,” that it’s “bad” because “others don’t feel that way,” – the psychologist shares her insights.
This pressure is amplified by social networks – we only see the emotional “facade,” so natural human experiences begin to seem like a deviation from the norm.
Culture also shapes gender norms: for example, men often find it harder to accept vulnerability, and women – anger. This leads not only to individual difficulties but also to broader societal relationship patterns.
Daily steps towards a healthier relationship with your feelings
To accept and safely experience emotions, one can work independently; there are many self-help books. However, J. Girdziušaitė suggests choosing professional help, which provides greater effectiveness: “It is with the help of a specialist that you will learn to recognize your experiences, name them, understand what the emotion you are experiencing wants to tell you, and what is the best way to express it.”
For those for whom the topic of emotions is important and who want to improve in this area, the specialist from the Personal Health Clinic suggests a small daily practice: “Throughout the day, pause and try to name what you are feeling right now. You might not find the right word; try to name it in your own way, let it be a “swamp,” “void,” or something else. Stay with the description you found. What else does it say? What is that “void” about? Does it describe what you feel about the given situation or your entire recent life? What other related thoughts do you have?”
You can also try another practice: “If you realize that your emotional vocabulary is narrow, you can look for synonyms for basic emotions, starting with a word that reflects the weakest expressed emotion and ending with a word that describes the most intense, and let your list include at least five descriptions for each basic emotion.”
J. Girdziušaitė emphasizes that daily skills help create a new relationship with emotions – not as something to control or suppress, but as an internal compass that constantly sends important information about our needs, boundaries, and values. The more often we stop, listen, and name them, the easier it becomes to live with the diversity of emotions.
Read more An illegal rave party in France defies a ban and a bill
