Questions about what could have been, how I could have lived, can endlessly spin in the mind. We strangely attach ourselves to them – just like to the answers we create ourselves.
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According to psychologists, the thinking of “what if…” is always accompanied by loss. Stuck in this cycle of thoughts, we lose both the present and the future. When we constantly look back at the past, we risk getting stuck there. The past becomes more important – more real – than the present. We are no longer able to clearly and accurately see what is happening now.
According to Dr. Pegė O’Connor, when answering “what if…” questions, we usually imagine circumstances that would be much better than the current ones. We imagine a much brighter and more colorful future.
“This way, we lose the present just as we do when stuck in the past. The imagined rosy future overshadows the present, which affects our desire and ability to take actions that could change both the present and the future. The path to the future always goes through the present, but ‘what if…’ thinking diverts us from the present,” she says.
According to the scientist, such thinking is often accompanied by resentment and dissatisfaction. Stuck in the past, we can fill ourselves with bitterness and repeatedly fuel our grievances. We mentally replay life episodes and periods to which we have given great importance. We also feel bitterness and mourn the future that, as we may deeply understand somewhere, will remain unreachable.
We do not notice that it is precisely we ourselves who keep such a future just beyond our reach. Instead of realizing this, we narrow our world to the limits of our grievances and bitterness.
Living with the “what is” attitude
Living very differently is allowed by the “what is” attitude. It means living by accepting reality. It is the ability to accept the world as it is and to acknowledge what we can and cannot do to change our current situation.
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“The past is the only thing none of us can change, so we don’t even try to do so. But not trying to change the past does not mean being passive towards it. A person who accepts the present maintains a proper and active relationship with their past. They can learn from past mistakes and achievements, rely on previous experience, and find inspiration in it,” emphasizes Dr. Pegė O’Connor.
According to her, by properly valuing both the past and the present, a person living by the “what is” principle also creates a much healthier relationship with the future: “They understand that their intentions, efforts, opinions, and evaluations depend on themselves. However, actions and their results are not always entirely under our control due to many external circumstances.”
Recognizing that a person cannot control or fully determine their future does not encourage passivity. On the contrary – it reminds us to continue acting as if our actions could bring the desired result.
No matter what the results are, a person living by the “what is” principle is able to accept the present and all future “presents” that the future will still bring.
“As Epictetus wisely noted (circa 55–135 AD): ‘The wise man is not grieved by what he lacks but rejoices in what he has.’ In other words, a person living with the ‘what is’ attitude not only understands that they have what they need but also feels gratitude for all of it. And ‘all of it’ includes bitterness and sweetness, difficulties and easy moments, victories and defeats. Gratitude is at the heart of the ‘what is’ attitude. And it always broadens our life and gives it joy,” the specialist is convinced.
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Prepared based on “Psychology Today”
