Obstetricians-gynecologists accompany families daily during one of the most important moments in life – the birth of a child. Over many years of work, they have seen thousands of fathers: brave and confused, prepared and anxious, but all united by the same desire to be needed by their child.
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On the occasion of Father’s Day, obstetrician-gynecologists Povilas Varnelis, Mindaugas Balnys, and Romoaldas Juršėnas from the Obstetrics and Gynecology Center of Vilnius University Hospital Santaros Clinics share their thoughts on fatherhood, the lessons their own children taught them, and what birthing women taught them. What do those who witness its beginning every day say about fatherhood?
In the delivery room, the most important thing is to be by their side
When asked what advice they would give to a future father in the delivery room, all three doctors first speak not about specific actions, but about presence: “The most important thing is not to get lost, to ensure that all the birthing woman’s needs are met. Offer water, hold her hand, massage her, and sometimes – just sit by her side. Sometimes a woman doesn’t want to be touched, then your presence is enough,” says obstetrician-gynecologist P. Varnelis.
According to obstetrician-gynecologist M. Balnys, the greatest gift a future father can give his woman is attention: “I would most advise simply being in the process – being here and now. Focus your attention on your woman, the future mother, concentrate on the birth and don’t do extraneous tasks. This will be the greatest gift to yourself, to the woman, and to the future child.”
Obstetrician-gynecologist R. Juršėnas says that upon arriving at the delivery room, a father should first prepare to be by his wife’s side: “Sometimes men come thinking they will have to defend or supervise something, but in reality, everyone here – doctors, midwives, all staff – aims for the same goal: to help the mother and baby. Therefore, the most important thing is for the father to feel part of our team and be by the birthing woman’s side, supporting her.”
Children teach lessons not learned in any university
Although all three interviewees are doctors with many years of experience, the most important life lessons were given to them not by their profession, but by their own children.
“Patience,” answers doctor M. Balnys in one word, adding that children taught him not only to listen but also to admit that sometimes their perspective is wiser than that of adults.
Doctor P. Varnelis also first mentions patience and love: “Children taught me love. They taught me to understand that the time dedicated to them is the most important thing a father can give. Not gifts, not material things, but simply being together.”
Doctor R. Juršėnas says that it was children who helped him understand the true values of life: “They taught me patience, taught me to dedicate time not only to work but also to family. This didn’t come immediately, but I am very grateful to them for it. They also taught me love – to love my children and people in general.”
Birthing women remind us what is most important in fatherhood
Throughout their careers, doctors have seen hundreds of families, so they learned a lot about fatherhood not only from their own children but also from birthing women. For obstetrician-gynecologist M. Balnys, the greatest lesson is the acceptance of human diversity. “Birthing women taught me that every person understands fatherhood and motherhood in their own way. The ability to accept a different perspective is very useful later when communicating with children.”
Doctor R. Juršėnas is most fascinated by mothers’ dedication: “They taught me endless love, patience, and sacrifice for a child. How much a mother loves her child and how much she sacrifices for them – we can all learn from that.”
Meanwhile, doctor P. Varnelis says that postpartum conversations often remind him of one important truth: “When I visit mothers after childbirth, they talk about how happy they are with the newborn, how they want to take care of them. And the birth itself is already somewhere in the past. This reminds us that birth is important, but only a small part of the much longer journey of raising a child.”
The biggest challenge is not shifts, but time
All three obstetrician-gynecologists admit that balancing intensive work and fatherhood is not easy. “Sometimes children’s events coincide with shifts, and I have to choose work. There are definitely internal conflicts,” reveals doctor M. Balnys. However, in his conviction, the most important thing is that time with children is quality time. “When you are at home, you need to hear what the child is living for, what they want, what is important to them.”
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Doctor R. Juršėnas admits that he still feels indebted to his three children: “They grew up very quickly. I worked a lot and dedicated too little attention to them. Therefore, I tell all fathers – consciously dedicate time to your children. A child needs to feel that their father is present and that he is important to them.”
According to doctor P. Varnelis, the biggest challenge begins after returning from work: “You come home and the second shift begins – the father’s shift. You need to be interested in the child’s day, their events, dedicate attention. The challenge is to be patient even when you are tired.”
The first exam with a baby
Although many future fathers worry about the first moments when they are left alone with a baby, the interviewed doctors say that usually the fear is greater than the reality.
“I remember some excitement and self-doubt, but there was no great drama. Being with children never caused me much tension,” recalls doctor M. Balnys.
Doctor R. Juršėnas smiles, recalling that, as a specialist, he thought he knew everything about newborns: “I quickly realized that the real science begins at home. Nevertheless, I always tell parents – children are very smart. They correct many mistakes made by adults. Trust yourselves and listen to your child.”
Doctor P. Varnelis admits that he doesn’t even remember the first times well, as he spent a lot of time with his children together with his wife. And after the birth of the second child, there was much more self-confidence.
There will never be a perfect time to become a father
On the occasion of Father’s Day, all three doctors send an important message to men who are considering whether they are ready for fatherhood. “There will probably never be an ideal time to have children. You will always have to give something up or sacrifice something. But at the same time, many new experiences and joys will emerge that you never even imagined,” says obstetrician-gynecologist P. Varnelis.
Obstetrician-gynecologist M. Balnys agrees that we would probably never find the perfect moment to give birth and raise children: “The time will never come when there are no more problems and you only want to be a father. A stable foundation and readiness to accept changes are enough for that. If you know you want children, don’t postpone this decision indefinitely.”
Obstetrician-gynecologist R. Juršėnas views fatherhood as one of the most important missions in a person’s life. “A real man is not one who has a fast car or a high position. A real man is one who raises children, raises honest, responsible citizens, patriots of the country. This is one of the most meaningful works we can do in life.”
Fatherhood is time
The thoughts of all three obstetrician-gynecologists, though different, converge into one simple but very important conclusion: children don’t need perfect fathers most of all. They need fathers who are present – present in the delivery room, present after work, present during the first failures and the greatest achievements.
Because the most important gift a father can give his child is not things or promises. It is his time, attention, and being together. It is from such moments that true fatherhood is composed.
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