People who have had a fully rich childhood that met their needs do not come to the psychotherapist’s office. And it is hardly possible for such a childhood to exist at all. However, in therapy, by assimilating and processing early experiences, it is possible to understand how they affected us, how they influence our behavior, relationships, and reactions in today’s situations, so healing and change can begin.
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However, there are things we can do even earlier – break the vicious circle and protect our children.
The importance of appreciation
I often observe people who grew up under conditions of deficit – a deficit of love, attention, and appreciation.
“Don’t carry them in your arms – they’ll get spoiled,” the grandmother mutters to the young mother.
“Don’t praise every B grade – they can do better,” the father advises the mother of a fifth-grader.
“So what if they washed the floors – it’s normal, after all, they live in this house together,” the mother extinguishes the father’s admiration for the daughter’s efforts.
It might seem like no big deal. After all, the child is loved, cared for, well-fed, and warmly dressed. But each of us needs something more – attention, appreciation, the feeling that we are seen and that our parents are proud of us.
According to H. Kohut’s psychology of self, for a mature and cohesive self to form, it is important that the child experiences recognition, attention, acceptance, and pride from significant others – usually parents. These experiences help the child develop a more stable self-esteem and gradually regulate their own sense of self.
What happens when this is lacking?
We grow up, but that need does not disappear anywhere. Regardless of our age today, we can still chase the appreciation of parents or other significant people – at home, at work, among friends.
Like a squirrel in a wheel, we spin faster and try harder – a little more, a little better, a little more – just to be noticed, just to be appreciated, just to be first, the best.
And how long does that appreciation comfort us?
Only briefly.
Because life goes on, others again and again do better, new tasks and new opportunities to be first arise, so we need another treat – for a job well done, for an achieved result, for being the best.
And the wheel relentlessly keeps turning. We have perfectly learned to try.
Is there another way?
It would be perfect if, with the help of therapy, we could return to childhood and get what we did not receive – to be loved enough, noticed, and appreciated. But we cannot turn back time, so now we will have to manage differently – to pick up the trash ourselves.
And learn to praise ourselves for a job well done, for a clean yard, for efforts, for doing what we could. We have tidied up our inner yard.
Maybe someday we will get out of that accelerating closed circle. But while an adult is learning to get out of it, we can do something very simple for children – we can prevent them from getting caught in that circle.
We can see and notice the child, praise their efforts, and be proud of them not only when they get a B or an A, not only when they wash the floors, win, achieve, or are first and best.
We can notice not only the result but also the child themselves – their efforts, their joy, their being.
Because a child does not need to constantly hear: “Try a little harder.” Sometimes they need to hear something completely different: “I see how hard you tried,” “I am happy to be your mother,” “I am proud of you.”
And maybe that will help them grow up without searching for their worth in every new appreciation, because deep inside they will know: I don’t need to be the best to be worthy.
This is prevention – not to heal the adult’s wounds when they already hurt, but to help the child today not to acquire them.
And this is a better foundation for the child’s future than a tempting confirmation somewhere in the distant future. From their future internalized therapist.
The Kaunas County Women’s Crisis Center implements a project funded by the Ministry of Social Security and Labour called “Comprehensive services for children affected by domestic violence (witnesses of violence) and their family members,” providing free psychological assistance to children and their family members in Kaunas city and district.
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Vaidoto g. 115, Kaunas, tel. +370 37 340027
Email: kriziucentras@kamkc.lt
