How to lend responsibly and avoid tension in friendship, explained by Rūta Mylė, Head of Customer Acquisition at Luminor Bank, and psychologist Jovita Kriukelytė.
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“Money between friends often seems like a sensitive topic, so people avoid talking specifically. However, clarity helps to avoid misunderstandings. If you borrow or lend to a friend, you should immediately agree on the amount, repayment date, and an action plan if circumstances change. Such a conversation is not a sign of distrust – on the contrary, it helps preserve the relationship,” says R. Mylė.
Debt changes the balance of the relationship
According to psychologist Jovita Kriukelytė, it is important in friendship to feel that there are equal emotional exchanges between people. Even if financial situations, social status, or other circumstances differ, a psychologically healthy relationship is not based on advantage or dependency.
“Debt between friends becomes sensitive not because of the money, but because a temporarily unequal position arises. One becomes the one who can help, the other – the one who needs help. If this situation prolongs or is not clearly discussed, there is a risk that the relationship will no longer be based on camaraderie but on a dynamic of power or dependency,” says J. Kriukelytė.
On the other hand, a loan can also be an expression of community – helping a person who is important at that time. However, according to the psychologist, it should not become a means to gain advantage or control.
The most important thing is to agree in advance
R. Mylė advises answering a simple question before lending – whether this amount will cause difficulties if the money is not repaid on time. If the answer causes concern, it is better to lend less, refuse, or offer other help.
“Responsible help should not create new financial tension for the one who helps. Therefore, before lending, it is worth assessing not only the friend’s need but also your budget, plans, and possible consequences if repayment is delayed,” says the Luminor expert.
According to J. Kriukelytė, clear agreements usually help avoid unpleasant situations in the future. The more things are discussed in advance, the less room there is for resentment and different interpretations.
“It is important to discuss three things: the amount lent, when it will be repaid, and what both parties will do if plans change. Agreements are not a sign of distrust – they help protect the friendship itself. It is useful to speak simply and directly: ‘To make both of us feel more at ease, let’s agree on a specific date.’ Or: ‘If you see you won’t make it, just write, we’ll agree on new terms – clarity is what matters most to me,’” says the psychologist.
She adds that even among the closest friends, there can be completely different ideas about how money should be managed and what rules should be followed.
“It is important to clearly and openly state expectations because it is precisely unspoken expectations that cause conflicts,” emphasizes J. Kriukelytė.
Sometimes it’s better to help differently
A loan is not always the best form of help. If a friend asks for money constantly or the amount would be too large for the lender, it is worth offering a different kind of help – for example, helping to plan expenses or reviewing their budget together.
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“If help becomes a constant pattern, it can strengthen not the other person’s ability to manage but their dependency. So in such a case, it is worth thinking about how else I could help a friend stand on their own feet, maybe I can offer not a ‘fish’ but a ‘fishing rod,’” says J. Kriukelytė.
According to her, sometimes it is worth politely refusing if it is understood that the loaned money will not so much help the friend cope with temporary difficulties as test the friendship and patience.
“Refusing does not mean being a bad friend – it means respecting your capabilities and protecting the relationship from possible tension,” notes the psychologist.
When money is not repaid on time
If a friend is late in repaying money, it is important not to wait until irritation turns into resentment. According to R. Mylė, it is best to discuss the initial agreement again, a new deadline, or repayment in installments.
J. Kriukelytė advises that even in an unpleasant conversation, the goal should be not to win or prove your right but to maintain a respectful relationship. Separating facts from interpretation helps: the agreed deadline has passed, but this does not necessarily mean disrespect or conscious avoidance of responsibility.
“It is important to address the other as an equal and responsible person. Instead of reproach, you can remind about the mutual agreement: ‘I would like to return to our agreement. Can we talk about how you now see the possibility to repay the debt?’ Such an approach invites cooperation rather than defense,” comments the psychologist.
If it turns out that the person is indeed experiencing financial difficulties, solutions can be sought together, but it is important that responsibility for keeping the agreement remains mutual.
“Helping does not mean taking over responsibility for another person’s life,” says J. Kriukelytė.
If a friend constantly avoids conversation, ignores agreements, or no longer takes responsibility, the very foundation of friendship – respect, trust, and equality – may weaken. In such a case, it is important not only to remind about the debt but also to clearly state your boundaries.
“An open conversation about money should not be a threat to friendship. The ability to talk respectfully about uncomfortable things, clearly agree, and take responsibility helps preserve equality and mutual trust,” concludes the psychologist.
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