Justina learned about her husband’s gambling addiction in March 2024. After receiving a letter about a large debt to creditors, her husband could no longer hide the truth and admitted to gambling. Now she knows that this was not a sudden problem.
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“Gambling in one form or another was present almost throughout our marriage. But at the time, I had no clear suspicion of the extent of the problem. Probably because the addiction didn’t appear overnight – it gradually became part of our daily lives, although I didn’t realize it myself. Only looking back did I see signs that I couldn’t connect into a whole at the time,” the woman says.
She remembers that her husband often hid his phone and what he was doing on it. The topic of money at home had become almost taboo – Justina knew that any conversation about finances would most likely end in conflict. Her husband became irritable, especially when the conversation turned to money.
But at the time, there was an explanation for everything. “It seemed like things just weren’t going well at work, that bonuses weren’t paid, or that the workplace was poorly chosen. Both he and I kept finding excuses for why we were constantly short of money,” says the interviewee.
For a long time, she thought the problem was herself
Only after the confession did Justina realize that not only her husband had changed. Their relationship also gradually changed. Less and less time was spent together as a family, they rarely spent evenings together, often even going to bed at different times.
“I thought these were natural life circumstances – work, children, fatigue. There were moments when I blamed myself. I thought it was my fault because I dedicated a lot of time to the children, their upbringing, their studies. Only later did I realize that at that time, a large part of my husband’s life was already occupied by addiction,” she recalls.
The hardest part was not the debt itself, but the collapse of trust.
Although Justina learned about her husband’s addiction due to his huge debts, today she says that money was only the most visible part of the problem.
“The hardest part was not the debt itself, but the collapse of trust. The realization that the person I trusted had lived with a secret for a long time, about which I knew nothing. After the confession, I started to wonder what else was untrue, how long all this had been going on, and if I could believe what I was hearing now. It felt like our entire life had to be re-evaluated. Anger also played a very strong role – because of the lies, because of the lost time, because we had lived next to the problem for so many years without naming it,” the woman reveals.
The day she learned about the debt, it seemed to her that it was the beginning of the story. Now she says she understands that it was just the moment when she finally saw a problem that had been in the family in one way or another for many years.
The desire to control did not bring back peace
The first days after her husband’s confession were full of uncertainty. Both in the family even considered whether to continue living together.
“It felt like my whole life had collapsed, and I didn’t know what the future would look like. At that time, I tried not to make hasty decisions. The help of specialists and the realization that I first needed to take care of myself helped a lot. I understood that I couldn’t solve all problems in one day, so I started looking for help and answers step by step,” Justina says.
After her husband’s confession, she doesn’t hide, a strong need to control everything emerged. They both agreed that she would be able to see her husband’s bank accounts, check his phone, and ask anything that caused concern.
“I was convinced that if I knew every detail, I would never be deceived again. But the more I delved into the past, the more anger and disappointment grew. Only later did I realize that constant control helped neither him nor myself. It was my way of regaining a sense of security,” the woman says.
Along with it, a feeling of guilt accompanied her for a long time. She wondered if she couldn’t have noticed the signs earlier, or if she had done something wrong: “Only later did I realize that I am not responsible for another person’s addiction.”
The biggest change – when she stopped saving her husband
Justina calls the turning point the time when her husband voluntarily went to the Minnesota program. Communicating with specialists, she heard for the first time that addiction is a disease, not a lack of willpower.
“Until then, it seemed to me that these were just bad decisions. At the same time, I started to see myself. I realized that I had been busy all the time trying to save and control him. I started seeing a psychologist and working on myself. That’s when I realized I couldn’t cure him. I can be there, support him, but I can’t do the work for him,” the interviewee admits.
Although it was difficult to believe at first that this time everything would be different, she gradually began to see changes.
Her husband no longer tried to hide the problem, began to take responsibility for his actions, and sought help not because he was forced, but because he himself understood the need for it.
“Paradoxically, it was during that period that we started talking as openly as we hadn’t in a long time. For the first time, I saw not an attempt to hide the problem, but a desire to solve it,” Justina reveals.
Trust returns step by step
Today, the woman says that trust does not return in one day. It is rebuilt – from honesty, openness, keeping promises, and taking responsibility.
Although their relationship is now more open than before, she admits that the recovery process is not yet over. Debts to creditors have already been repaid, but the family still has obligations to relatives. Both work, but they have not yet regained a sense of financial freedom, and the topic of money at home is still not easy.
I can be there, support and love him, but not take responsibility for his illness.
Nevertheless, today Justina says she has understood the most important thing.
“Addiction steals not only money. It steals time. Evenings we didn’t spend together. Conversations that didn’t happen. Shared memories we didn’t create. This cannot be quantified by any numbers. This journey taught me one very important thing – not to forget myself. My biggest change happened not when my husband stopped gambling, but when I realized that I didn’t have to save him. I can be there, support and love him, but not take responsibility for his illness,” Justina is convinced.
Specialist’s comment
The story of Kotryna was agreed to be commented on by Gabrielė Glušauskaitė, psychologist of the Gambling Supervision Authority (LPT).
–Justina says that after learning about her husband’s addiction, she started checking his phone, bank accounts, and wanted to know every detail. Why do loved ones often start controlling another person after such a shock? Does this really help restore a sense of security?
– First of all, I want to thank the interviewee for her openness, as there is little talk about the gambling problem, especially the experiences of loved ones, so such sharing is extremely significant and necessary.
Speaking of loved ones, I notice from clients that the news of a loved one’s gambling strongly affects them, especially due to the rising uncertainty: what to do next, how to deal with this problem, or how to communicate with the loved one? Therefore, in order to bring clarity and thus restore security, the response of loved ones to the sudden uncertainty can be a rising need to control the situation.
Due to frequent checking of phones, bank accounts, and gambling company logins, loved ones often expect two things: that this will stop the loved one’s gambling and that such behavior will eventually help build trust and calm them down.
However, in reality, it is somewhat different, because the more a person engages in such control, the more such behavior turns into feeding the anxiety living inside. As long as this anxiety “feeds,” it is likely to become increasingly insatiable and only grow.
Therefore, it is important for loved ones to remember that gambling is not just a lack of willpower or an inability to manage one’s finances, but a mental state that requires recovery, so the control of loved ones is not effective in stopping problematic gambling.
Problem gambling or gambling addiction is characterized by relapses, even when on the path to recovery; only during recovery is it observed that relapses occur less and less frequently and last for shorter periods until they disappear.
Only by turning to oneself can one find ways to deal with a heavy emotional baggage.
Returning to the anger of loved ones, the anxiety caused by uncertainty, fear for the future, sadness, and other uncomfortable states that one wants to avoid and for which control is taken, I want to echo Justina’s insight that only by turning to oneself and taking care of oneself can one find effective ways to deal with all this heavy emotional baggage.
When in a situation where one learns about a loved one’s gambling, the main self-help is consultations with a psychologist or psychotherapist, and participation in a mutual support group for loved ones.
– Justina says that the hardest part was not the debts, but the realization that the person she had lived with for many years had been hiding such a big secret all that time. Why do loved ones often begin to doubt not only the present but also the entire shared past after the disclosure of an addiction? How is it even possible to restore trust after such a shock?
– When it turns out that an addiction has been hidden for a long time, loved ones experience not only financial and emotional shock, but also interpersonal problems, for example, the feeling of trust collapses. Trust may be lost not only regarding the present but also what has already been experienced together. Knowing that trust is the foundation of close relationships, this causes painful experiences.
Then the brain, seeking to avoid being in such a shocking situation again, tries to “rewrite” past events, so the past is re-evaluated, and answers are sought as to what was real and what the addiction might have hidden.
This helps a person find answers as to how this could have happened, and at the same time, such a process aims to reduce the risk of being deceived again. Although such a process is completely natural, it is still most beneficial in such a case to seek help from specialists, as it can “trap” a person in past grievances, reproaches, self-blame and blaming others, and an intense need to control their loved one.
Restoring trust is a long process that requires more than just a promise to change. It is built on mutual openness, taking responsibility for one’s actions, choosing to recover from addiction, and patience, allowing the gambler to go through the recovery path at their own pace, and oneself to regain a sense of security at their own pace.
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