People set many goals for themselves throughout life. Among them are traveling and seeing impressive sights, such as the Great Pyramids or Niagara Falls.
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However, chaplain Carol Tefler and senior healthcare worker Rachel Moore, working at the palliative care organization “Marie Curie,” say that when facing people on their deathbeds, they see something quite different – most do not regret the extreme things they didn’t experience.
Instead, people long for simple, “everyday” moments they hoped to experience once more.
Carol and Rachel told the “Metro” portal about the most important wishes people expressed before death.
Getting married
Carol, who has worked with patients nearing the end of life for more than 8 years, has married more than one person during palliative care.
“One woman was ill for a short time, but her condition suddenly worsened greatly,” she says. “She had been with her partner for about five years, had a three-year-old child and a three-month-old baby. During her second pregnancy, she was diagnosed with cancer.
That morning at 8 o’clock I received the request, and by 7 in the evening they were already married, and I baptized both their children. This happened during COVID, so it was difficult – the family watched the ceremony standing outside, on the terrace.”
Carol still remembers why the patient so much wanted to get married.
“She said: ‘I want my children, when they grow up, to come to my grave and see that my last name is the same as theirs. If we don’t get married, they might ask: “How can she be our mother?” I want my children to know that I was their mother.’
She died the next day. It was very beautiful to give her the opportunity to have her husband’s last name on the death certificate,” Carol insists.
Relive everyday life once more
Instead of wishing for new experiences, patients often simply seek comfort and closeness.
“One man spent a lot of time with friends throughout his life,” Carol recalls. “They called themselves the ‘Baldy Anglers’ and often went fishing together. But he had pushed them away because he didn’t want them to see how his condition was worsening.
He said: ‘If I had one wish, I would like to go fishing once more with the Baldy Anglers.’
Carol and her colleague decided to help – they bought bald head caps, an inflatable pool, and magnetic fish with fishing rods.
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“We put on rubber boots, sat on camping chairs, and held thermoses. He asked: ‘What are you doing here?’ And we answered: ‘Since you can’t go fishing with the Baldy Anglers, we brought the Baldy Anglers to you,'” the woman shares.
At the funeral, the real fishermen approached Carol and her colleague.
“They said they had no idea how much it meant to him – to know that this was one of his last wishes,” the interviewee says.
Nostalgia can also be triggered by smells or music.
“Smells strongly remind of familiar things and the past,” says Rachel, who has worked in palliative nursing for three years. “We also often play music that the person hasn’t heard for a very long time.”
Preparing for death
Rachel and Carol say that people often want to know what to expect when dying.
“None of us knows exactly when it will happen, even when suffering from an incurable disease,” says Carol.
She tries to prepare people for that moment as much as possible: “We want to ensure they don’t experience disappointment that things didn’t go as they hoped, so we help take care of the things most important to them.”
Rebuilding broken relationships
“If people want, we can contact their loved ones from the past if they themselves are afraid to do so,” says Rachel. “We call and write letters all over the world.”
Carol remembers a patient who felt he had “completely ruined his life” because he was addicted to narcotics.
“He watched his daughter from afar but did not contact her because she didn’t want to communicate with him. He knew she was pregnant and really wanted to meet his grandchild. He felt he wouldn’t be able to die peacefully if he didn’t fix his mistakes,” the woman says.
The nursing staff eventually contacted his daughter. Although she hesitated at first, during the pregnancy she still came to the hospice and gradually restored the relationship with her father. When the baby was born, she even brought the child to show him.
Seeing people who in their last days of life long to talk once more with estranged loved ones, Carol made one conclusion:
“Every moment is precious. If you want to say something to someone in life – say it now so there is no regret later.”
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