Some of these stories date back to the Soviet era or the first decades of independence. Their authors themselves emphasize that back then there was less talk about sexual harassment, and what today would raise serious questions could then be silenced, turned into a joke, or downplayed.
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Psychologist Karolis Poderis says that one person’s publicly told story can indeed encourage others to speak up. One reason is that in someone else’s story, a person recognizes their own experience and finds words for what they themselves could not name for a long time.
“People can describe their experience very simply for a long time – ‘it was unpleasant,’ ‘it was bad,’ ‘I didn’t want to think about it,’ although there is much more behind these words. After reading another person’s story, they may suddenly recognize themselves: ‘That happened to me too. Maybe there was much more behind that ‘bad,’ I just didn’t have the words for it,’” says K. Poderis.
According to him, the sense of community is also important. Realizing that it happened not only to you can reduce feelings of loneliness, shame, or isolation, and another person’s courage to speak gives more security to speak up yourself.
Refused to go to the lecturer – ended up without a diploma
One woman recalled that at just sixteen she faced harassment from a lecturer. She refused to go to his home to defend her thesis.
“A school lecturer was coming onto me. I refused to go to his home to defend my thesis. I ended up without a diploma,” the woman said.
A school lecturer was coming onto me. I refused to go to his home to defend my thesis. I ended up without a diploma.
She did not keep silent about it – she told other lecturers, but according to the woman, they all brushed it off as a joke.
According to K. Poderis, such reactions from others can have a big impact on whether a person will dare to talk about their experience in the future.
“If a person who has gathered courage hears ‘maybe you misunderstood,’ ‘nothing happened,’ or their story is turned into a joke, they may start doubting even their own experience: maybe I am exaggerating, maybe I shouldn’t have felt that way, maybe it’s better not to talk about it anymore. Such a reaction can become another painful part,” explains the psychologist.
According to him, experiences of sexual harassment or exploitation can already be associated with shame, self-doubt, and fear that others will not believe them. Even in psychotherapy, people often speak about such experiences only after a long time.
“The rehearsal” became the last one
Another woman recalled her childhood and adolescence. In the village, there was a “good old man” who would take girls to the barn to pet horses, but there he would try to touch the breasts of the teenagers.
Also remembered was the school music teacher who prepared two teenage girls for a song contest. According to the woman, the teacher explained that the girls needed to learn diaphragmatic breathing, so he laid them down on the classroom floor, told them to breathe deeply, and then started touching them.
“That ‘rehearsal’ was the first and last. After consulting, we both decided not to participate anymore,” the woman recalled.
That ‘rehearsal’ was the first and last. After consulting, we both decided not to participate anymore
The girls chose the method available to them at the time to withdraw – they did not return.
The doctor’s office from which one wanted to escape as quickly as possible
More than one shared story involved medical professionals. One woman recalled a visit to the dentist back when some dentists saw patients in their homes.
“He shoved some sharp grinder into my mouth, put his other hand under my blouse, saying not to move because he would hurt me. Somehow I miraculously managed to escape that office without consequences, but I still feel incredible disgust,” the woman said.
She did not report the incident to anyone. As she admits, the thought did not even occur to her at the time.
The psychologist points out that it can be difficult for others to accept a story about inappropriate behavior by a person they trust or respect.
“It can be very hard for a person to reconcile two contradictory things: for example, their belief that a familiar doctor, teacher, or priest is a good person, and the story that he could have crossed another person’s sexual boundaries. Then there may be a desire to downplay or rationalize the situation. Of course, such reactions do not make the experience less painful for the victim,” says K. Poderis.
Men also spoke about medical professionals’ behavior
V. Balkūnas’s story opened up a topic less often heard in the public space – sexual harassment of men. One man said that when he was about 30, he visited a doctor due to health problems. According to him, the doctor performed sexual acts and explained that they were necessary for diagnosis.
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The patient only began to realize something else was going on after a few visits.
“It lasted at least about five sessions before I understood what was really going on. I was still naive then,” the man wrote.
Another man also said he encountered inappropriate behavior from a medical professional but said he did not allow his boundaries to be crossed and told his wife and friends about the incident.
A job interview remembered for a lifetime
Another woman shared a story from 1993. After finishing higher education, she was looking for a job and saw an ad that a newspaper editorial office needed a secretary-typist.
According to the woman, the man conducting the interview pressed her against the wall and began unbuttoning his pants. She threatened to call the police and hit him, and the man, according to her, started explaining that other girls get jobs that way.
“I ran away from there quickly. It stuck with me for life,” she recalled.
Reported to the police, but that was the end of it
One woman recalled that in 2007, at age 20, she was employed as a secretary in an organization. Her work there lasted only a few days.
According to the woman, one day the manager called her into an office where, besides a desk, there was a bed. He started talking about sexual topics and then began touching her. The woman realized the outer door was locked. While the manager was out of the office, she managed to call her boyfriend and ask him to come quickly.
After escaping, the woman told her parents about the incident and reported it to the police.
“I went to the police, filed a report. But that was the end of it. I received a response that there was no basis for investigation, that the manager was questioned and everything was fine – after all, he didn’t do anything to me,” she said.
Later, the woman began to view details differently that did not seem significant during the first days of work: tinted windows, constantly locked outer doors, a bed in the premises, the manager’s interest in her personal life, and an offer to live on the premises.
Children saw but did not understand what they saw
One woman recalled that in childhood by the lake there was an elderly man who lured little girls into a boat, rowed with them to the deep part of the lake, and sexually gratified himself in their presence. Other children saw this but did not understand the seriousness of the situation.
“We were about five to seven years old, so we hid and laughed. It was very funny to us; we didn’t even think about how those girls felt, caught in such traps,” the woman recalled.
Only as an adult did she look at the childhood episode differently and raised the question of why adults did not react.
“He didn’t rape”
Previously, inappropriate sexual behavior could be viewed differently – if there was no rape or obvious physical violence, others might not see a problem.
One woman recalled school days and a teacher who, according to her, touched girls.
“If we had complained, no one would have even understood what was so wrong. He didn’t rape,” she wrote.
If we had complained, no one would have even understood what was so wrong. He didn’t rape.
According to her, at that time such things were hardly talked about at all. Today, the woman believes the younger generation has more information and better understands how to act in such situations.
What to do when a person finally speaks up?
K. Poderis says the first reaction to a sexual harassment or exploitation experience told after many years should be simple – to listen to the person. One should not rush to judge their behavior, ask for details, or demand specific actions.
“First of all – listen. Don’t rush to judge, explain, or look for what the person ‘should have done differently.’ Don’t ask for details just to satisfy your curiosity, and don’t pressure them to say more than they are ready to share at that moment. You can simply thank the person for trusting and sharing. It is important to show that their experience is taken seriously,” says the psychologist.
He also advises not to rush to tell the person that they must go to the police, tell their family, or seek psychological help. Even pressure driven by good intentions can cause the feeling that someone else is deciding for them again.
“It’s better to ask: ‘What do you need from me now?’ or ‘How can I help?’” says K. Poderis.
According to the psychologist, especially the first time talking about such an experience, it is worth speaking with a trusted close person or a specialist.
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