Sharing her experience, Fausta Marija received numerous messages from women and, as it turned out, a significant number had also experienced miscarriages. This prompted her to speak out once again on this very painful topic.
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“I felt hundreds of stories so vividly. My experience opened my knowledge that, it turns out, more women around me HAVE experienced miscarriages than have not. And this is not a shame. Not everyone wants to talk as publicly as I do. But hardly should this be a secret among close people. Because silence hurts more.
If you have had such an experience or witnessed the pain of a loved one, add your input if I missed something or perhaps didn’t know or think of it.
A person is made to live among people. Because it is easier for them that way. Maybe it’s time to learn to talk,” the woman wrote.
Along with these words, Fausta Marija added slides describing how to communicate with a woman or family who has just experienced a miscarriage. However, she emphasized that these are her thoughts and urged consulting specialists.
“Many women wrote to me that it was precisely their close ones who decided not to mention or touch on this topic, as if not talking would erase the existence of the pain. However, I got the impression that most families who experienced miscarriage do not talk about it not because they really don’t want to. More often – they simply don’t know how. Or they feel judged. Or they feel that they are being told how to feel.
Personally, the simplest conversation helped me the most. Unpretentiously, more casually. Friends usually asked simply and without much poetry how I felt, how it all started, what the doctor said, what would happen next. I talked about the course, how I felt, how everything looked, what the options were. Maybe sometimes I talked nonsense, but it really helped to talk it out (emotionally “vent”).
Personally, I really didn’t like attempts to dramatize or poetize the situation, excessive pathos, philosophy. I liked simplicity. But another might like to look for coincidences, hidden meanings, explain everything according to horoscopes, the moon, coffee grounds, or fortune-telling. Anything that gives her answers, relief, and meaning will do.
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One is annoyed by calling early pregnancy signs an angel, while for another it feels very close. One says fate protected her that way, another is angry at it.
Not everything suits everyone. Therefore, the best advice, in my opinion, is empathy, listening, and letting the conversation be led by the one who suffers. Imposing your own feelings on another is what annoys the most. If you really don’t know how to act, you can simply ask that. Simply say: “I don’t really know how to act, but I would like you to feel easier next to me. Tell me what and how I can ask you.”
Don’t impose how much and how a woman should suffer. Both huge grief when you don’t want anything and accepting the situation and seeking positive life experiences are completely normal. Some women wrote to me: “Five years have passed, and it hurts every day.” Others said: “That’s why we don’t talk about it, because the pregnancy wasn’t long, I didn’t feel I had time to form a deep bond. Maybe I didn’t have time to rejoice, but I could definitely live well afterwards. And people judge that I don’t grieve enough.” If you only accept the emotions of the woman you expect, it means you are trying to fit the situation to yourself. That is not comfort. One woman said: “Everyone commented that if the little heart wasn’t beating yet, I have no reason to grieve.” But a person grieves or doesn’t grieve not according to your calculations. Bonds and hopes form or don’t form differently. You just need to accept your friend, sister, brother, or another person, not try to “fix” them.
Don’t put all the burden only on the woman. 50 percent of this conceived pregnancy belongs to the man as well. But the best is not to try to rationalize the reasons at all, because most likely you are still not right. Much more often it happens at the level of chromosomes, cells, and genetics, not because “you shouldn’t have exercised so much,” “or maybe you ate too much ginger,” “or worked too much,” “shouldn’t have been so nervous.” One elderly relative of mine tried to induce a miscarriage in her youth by carrying heavy furniture, drinking all sorts of decoctions, but she still didn’t succeed. Sometimes it just happens.
If a person doesn’t want to talk to you, there may be other problems in your relationship. Now is not the time to solve them. I myself wanted to talk not with everyone, but only with those next to whom I felt emotionally comfortable. Some got a polite “brush-off”: “It’s okay, thank you,” others long litanies. That is no longer this topic, but a relationship problem. But a person experiencing miscarriage has every right not to care about relationships at that time, which have caused disappointment for a long time.
Talking is important when experiencing both life’s hardships and joys. This is where the strongest bond is born – through vulnerability and strength. Because then life tests us best. Unspoken pain, anger, disappointment remain inside a person and rot there, poison, embitter the soul. Later, topics you could have just talked about become open wounds. Even the slightest verbal touch can annoy. Even completely innocent. Therefore, it is very important to talk in time,” Fausta Marija Leščiauskaitė openly expressed her thoughts.
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