In an emotional post that appeared on the social network “Facebook,” V. Zelianka revealed that the announcement about the loss of his son was made completely by accident. However, after receiving numerous messages, he decided to tell more about how Jurgis lived. This way, he and his wife Vilija want to help other parents who may be in a similar situation.
Read more Bahrain refused to participate in the meeting proposed by Iran regarding the Strait of Hormuz
V. Zelianka also agreed to share his words with Žmonės.lt readers.
“I am neither a psychologist, nor a sociologist, nor a doctor. But I am the father of three grown children. Unfortunately, since the day before yesterday, only two are alive. Therefore, I have serious parenting experience.
I shared my pain on Facebook with close friends. I did not think to change the privacy settings I use on FB when writing about my professional topics, I released the post as public.
By accident, the post reached an almost incomprehensible audience of nearly 900 thousand.
So, a really large part of our people saw the post, and so what if they were completely strangers to me.
I received an unimaginable number of private and public messages. Thousands. Thank you all. I cannot reply to each and thank individually. So I thank you this way.
Today my wife Vilija asked me to take advantage of the situation.
If there is interest, to warn parents and their children, to show my experience.
She says maybe it will help at least one. And that would be very good.
Therefore, I decided to tell a little about Jurgis’s story.
Jurgis was my eldest.
Extremely intelligent, from early childhood his interest was books. Recently, it was possible to have serious discussions with him about neurobiology, philosophy, psychology, literature. He read adventure books from the age of 4–5.
His childhood was accompanied by various illnesses. Among them – migraine, from late adolescence – depression.
At school, he was bored with all those meaningless running around, fights, shoving, especially detested bullying. Paradoxically or logically, he himself became their target.
Then, as he said later, wanting to be on the side of the strong crowd, he was betrayed by the couple of friends who had remained until then.
So he was left alone at school. At home, a younger sister appeared, later a little brother as well.
Jurgis, like many eldest children, felt rejected even at home.
Completely alone. Mind, loneliness, and feeling of rejection – probably partly shaped his character. At that time he was being treated. Strong drugs are used to treat depression. They cause addiction.
That addiction expands to any means.
Jurgis became a true master of chemistry. He was specially interested in pharmacology, often even discussed his treatment methods with doctors and sometimes even convinced them. Gradually it became an independent disease. Which was worsened by the fact that he saw me, at that time making very successful professional progress, as pressure to follow the example and be successful in society.
Feeling lonely, different, and unaccepted and unrecognized, imagining that he was under pressure to be a glamorous boy, he decided to choose opposition, to be good precisely in that part of society’s outcasts.
All this was accompanied by independent searches on how to alleviate his ADHD symptoms. The disease that Jurgis had long diagnosed himself, doctors were reluctant to recognize for a long time. But eventually they recognized it, finally convincing Jurgis that he knew everything better himself.
He thought he had found how to treat himself. Psychotropic drugs. All kinds of sedatives. Barbiturates. Their compositions. Doses with alcohol.
Read more A lie that each Zodiac sign tells themselves most often: check it out
The schemes are constantly being improved. As it turned out now, they even looked for the “limit.” Playing with death, calling it a professional approach.
It turns out there are whole communities of such young people with their leaders and followers. Of course, relatives do not see, although they may suspect.
Because such a person starts to behave strangely, his sense of responsibility towards relatives is often very diminished. This causes conflicts, often very sharp.
But relatives often do not see that this is just a poor child’s reaction to rejection and non-recognition. Therefore, they do not understand how much anger or rage should be changed into a desire to understand, love, and help.
And those poor ones, among them my wonderful Jurgis, especially those like him, intelligent, strong-willed, and proud, imagine that they can overcome everything themselves.
No, they cannot.
They always lose. And my Jurgis lost, no matter how wonderful he was.
Therefore, the advice – never try alone.
Look for mutual aid communities. Groups.
And advice to parents – be such parents that children are not lonely and do not feel misunderstood. It is not about money or gifts. Money, clothes, or phones are not valuable here. I left my judge career because of Jurgis and became a lawyer. After all, that is more money for treatment. But maybe it would have been enough to talk more and say “I love you”?
Recognition is very necessary for a child, allowing him to be himself, acceptance as he is, unique. An expression of unconditional parental love.
For that, you need not to be too worried about yourself and your work.
Children are much more important than all the professional achievements in the world.
Those achievements, especially very high ones, can be left to those who do not have children.
Or you need to know how to combine nicely. And few can do that.
When choosing, we must understand the risks.
Because the fate of our children is at stake.
If I had to choose again, I would choose more connection with children, less external matters.
Unfortunately, no one will give me a second chance. I love you, Jurgelis. I cry for you and will cry until the end of my days,” he wrote.
Under this post, V. Zelianka received support and comfort from people.
“Vytautas, do not blame yourself. You did everything you could, even though at this moment it seems you could have done more. Sometimes nothing depends on our efforts. It is terribly unfair, a complete nonsense. How could our child leave this world? There are no words to comfort you in such a terrible loss, it is so awful. I sympathize with you and share your pain. There is nothing more terrible than losing a child,” wrote one woman.
“Thank you, Vytautas, for a very sensitive sharing, you still have two children, a wife, and still time to say out loud how much you love them, no matter that maybe the children are already grown up, and that will be the greatest gift for Jurgis, he will feel it. Strength to you all,” wrote another.
Read more Veronika Montvydienė – about life after divorce, plastic surgeries, and an important decision
