At the “Būtent!” festival, these questions formed the basis of a discussion about the prestige of motherhood. Participants included TV host and content creator Fausta Marija Leščiauskaitė, head of the Postpartum Depression Center Nida Vildžiūnaitė, mother of six and consciousness researcher Izabela Stankevičienė, and Minister of Health, father of five Linas Kukuraitis. The discussion was moderated by Tautė Šumskė, author and host of the LRT OPUS podcast “Žaidžiam žmogų,” according to a press release.
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Describing the fertility situation with numbers, L. Kukuraitis pointed out a significant generational change. Among the current generation of forty-year-olds, there is an average of about 1.7 children per woman, while today’s reproductive-age women have a rate below one child. To maintain generational replacement, about 2.1 children per woman are needed. According to the minister, decisions to have children are influenced by economic circumstances, political instability, uncertainty about the future, and cultural changes.
However, statistics do not answer how women themselves value and experience motherhood. The discussion focused precisely on their experiences and what influences the decision to become a mother for the first or another time.
When you already know what motherhood costs
Nida Vildžiūnaitė, head of the Postpartum Depression Center and mother of three, spoke about a personal experience familiar to many women considering having another child. The first time, motherhood can only be imagined, but later you already know how much pregnancy, childbirth, and raising a child will demand physically and emotionally, and how it will change everyday life. Therefore, the decision to have another child is made under very different circumstances.
When talking about fertility, F. M. Leščiauskaitė found the experiences of people already raising children equally important. “I think more about quality motherhood and fatherhood. I am less worried about the number of children, which, of course, is decreasing, but more concerned about the people who are already here,” she said.
F. M. Leščiauskaitė also spoke from personal experience about how other parenting experiences can affect the decision. The experiences of unhappy parents and children she had seen caused her fear: would she be able to be a good mother, would she have enough patience, would she feel happy in motherhood? “It seemed to me that parenting is so hard that many people cannot find joy in it. I thought maybe I wouldn’t be able to love the child, maybe I wouldn’t find patience,” she shared.
She worked through these doubts in therapy. What helped her decide was not another argument for why it is worth having a child, but the realization that she truly could choose. “I just felt that I really could choose. It may sound childish, but I really needed that,” said F. M. Leščiauskaitė.
Six children – a decision of two people
Izabela Stankevičienė, mother of six, when asked what influenced her decision to create a large family, first spoke about her relationship with her partner.
“I met a person who sees all my storms and can lift me up. We have a very strong and safe connection. Inside, I felt that I wanted this connection to multiply,” she said. Having six children was not a circumstance that happened by itself. According to I. Stankevičienė, each pregnancy was a conscious decision made by her and her husband. This also came at a high cost – the woman underwent six Cesarean sections. For each pregnancy, she prepared her body “like for a marathon.”
The decision to have a child is the responsibility of two people, but the discussion raised the question of whether daily childcare is also shared. L. Kukuraitis pointed out that motherhood is consistently surrounded by sanctity, and the role of men in the family has changed slowly. According to him, today a man must be fully involved in the relationship with the children, their care, and upbringing.
Partner involvement can reduce the burden on the woman but does not eliminate the other side of motherhood – emotional difficulties that are not easy to talk about.
When a mother doesn’t feel the way she “should”
Even consciously chosen motherhood can bring experiences for which a woman was not prepared. According to N. Vildžiūnaitė, facing postpartum depression often reveals a much broader life situation of the woman. The intensity of motherhood can bring up emotions and questions that were previously possible to overlook. Alongside mental health difficulties, loneliness, guilt, and shame appear.
The scale of the problem is shown by numbers. Worldwide, about 15% of women experience postpartum depression according to various data, other sources indicate 10–20%, sometimes one in seven. It is reported that 7 out of 10 women hide or downplay their symptoms. Postpartum depression symptoms are often hidden due to both internal and external stigma.
A more severe side of the problem is revealed by statistics of women who gave birth in Lithuania: 15% think about suicide within the first year after childbirth, and 17% have thoughts about harming their child (MGIS, 2022 survey “My Birth”). Behind these numbers are not only mental health difficulties. A woman may also carry the belief that a good mother should not feel this way at all.
“There is no right way to be a mother”
“I got the impression that there is no right way to be a mother,” said F. M. Leščiauskaitė in the discussion. If a mother openly talks about difficulties, she may hear: you chose this yourself – now suffer. If she enjoys motherhood, there will be warnings that it is too early to rejoice – just wait for the next stage of the child’s development.
We tend to glorify motherhood, but surprisingly leave the mother herself a very narrow space to be as she truly is. A mother must be happy but not pretend that everything is easy. She must care for the child but not forget herself. She must return to professional life but not too early.
When talking about the prestige of motherhood, it is not enough to ask how to encourage women to have children. Equally important is what kind of motherhood they see before making this decision – and what kind of motherhood they experience once they become mothers.
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