Where is the line between shyness and phobia? How much anxiety should we tolerate? What can we do to finally stop being afraid of others? This is a book for everyone who is afraid to face the gazes and judgments of others. For everyone who is tired of the thought: “I wanted to, but I didn’t dare.”
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We invite you to read an excerpt from the book “Why Are We Afraid of Others?”:
Why is it so hard to say “no”?
To assert oneself means to be able to defend one’s rights, express one’s desires, needs, and opinions in the presence of other people. Difficulties in asserting oneself are most often related to phenomena of social anxiety, for example, in situations such as: not giving something to someone, asking for a loan or a favor, expressing disagreement, stating an opinion to a group of people who hold a different opinion, responding to criticism and complaints, making a claim to a seller, and so on.
The fear of contradicting, angering, appearing arrogant, hurting, or annoying often pushes us to abandon actions that are fully justified by our right. Our right, but sometimes also our duty: doctors who must inform their patients of terrible diagnoses know that this process is not easy and even frightening. The basis of such restraint is the fear of conflict, when it seems that any tension or disapproval can escalate into a fight, and, of course, the “other’s” superiority, because they are necessarily much stronger, smarter, and generally more righteous.
When it seems like everyone is watching us
Sometimes we fear that interlocutors can read us like an open book; that they can discern our innermost feelings, thoughts, intentions – hence the fear of approaching someone we like, hoping they will like us too, or sometimes simply asking for their contact details on the street. Then the situation is somewhat similar to children or teenagers who have snatched a candy or a toy: as soon as the stolen item is in their pocket, it seems to them that all eyes directed at them signify disapproval or perceive their confusion and see through their mischief. Then people become afraid of being exposed and disappointing those around them by revealing their true nature, their true worth. These fears, depending on the situation, encompass three aspects: the fear of revealing one’s flaws, the fear of revealing a shameful secret, the fear of revealing a social deviation.
The fear that others will notice their flaws is very common among socially anxious people: they supposedly lack intelligence, culture, interesting things to share during a conversation, ease, and naturalness. Sometimes, certain secrets also cause us discomfort. And as for the fear of appearing abnormal when interacting more closely with others, it is often related to the apprehension that our confusion will be noticed by the interlocutor and considered “strange behavior.”
When not only thoughts, but also the body worries
The symptoms experienced by people suffering from fear are very diverse. Researchers compiled a list of them based on surveys of people tormented by severe social anxiety, listing symptoms by frequency (find yours!): heart palpitations, trembling, sweating, muscle tension, stomach cramps, dry mouth and throat, alternating sensations of heat and cold, blushing, headaches, a feeling of tightness or dizziness in the head. And that’s not all!
It is therefore not surprising that many people experiencing social anxiety are convinced that their problem is physical. They consult doctors, undergo blood tests, electrocardiograms, various X-rays, try medications, but without the slightest result.
Many people don’t even consider that the origin of this feeling is emotional. For example, repeated blushing is often interpreted as a sign of a somatic illness, and most of our patients, due to this symptom, which is actually emotional, first consult specialists in skin, hormonal, or cardiovascular diseases.
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Can we overcome social anxiety?
Social anxiety is a natural part of human life, but it is important to understand when it becomes a problem for which help is worth seeking. Difficulties associated with social anxiety seem to be an inseparable part of human life. We all need to establish relationships with other people, because in a certain sense we depend on them, but we also need to assert our individuality, and therefore confront others. Everyone has to navigate between these two constraints, which are the very foundation of existence. In such a case, a doctor can give advice, but there is nothing “medical” here. At least for most of us.
The real question is not whether to treat, but when to start providing help. What level of severity, discomfort, or suffering should a disorder be offered or agreed to be treated? The decision is easiest to make only in extreme cases: a slightly nervous speaker who generally feels like a fish in water and whose anxiety only lasts a few moments before giving a speech, obviously does not need treatment; social phobia that prevents a person from leaving home or even using the phone – on the contrary – must be treated. And what is between these two extremes? Should a shy person who constantly experiences failures in love and professional life be treated? Or a lonely person who has no acquaintances or friends, lives a bleak life, and gets drunk when his older sister invites him to dinner with strangers?
Why is it important to understand your fear?
The first step in overcoming social anxiety is to understand it. The purpose of this book of ours is to lift the veil of ignorance and reveal the fear of other people hidden beneath various masks. To comprehend one’s disorder, to understand its internal mechanisms – that already means no longer being its complete victim. To know about effective therapeutic strategies applied by specialists means to start managing it better. To make the decision to get rid of one’s anxiety and interpersonal relationship difficulties means to finally open up to a more meaningful life.
What can be done now?
Overcoming anxiety does not begin with big changes, but with small steps. One of them is the principle of exposure. Socially anxious people tend to constantly want to escape, to retreat into their lonely little world. This way they soothe their anxiety, which soon becomes a natural reflex.
One of the first steps to solving this problem is to gradually get used to frightening situations. By the way, most cases of improvement without therapy are precisely related to circumstances that, as they say, accelerated the course of events. This applies to most children: if parents do not isolate them and allow them to live an open life with an increasing number of encounters and separations, social anxiety, which is normal for their development from eight months to two years, disappears.
To facilitate such processes, there are very simple techniques called exposure methods. The principle of exposure is this: as long as we avoid something, we cannot help but be afraid (“if I hadn’t avoided it, a catastrophe would have happened”). The vicious circle is the same for all phobias: the more we fear, the more we avoid, and the more we avoid, the more we fear… If, on the contrary, we confront – according to the well-known rules of behavioral therapists – what we fear, eventually – always! – anxiety decreases.
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