„As a psychologist, I have to deal with the relationship side where a person is traumatized, boundaries are crossed, so communication with relatives becomes very difficult. However, this does not make this topic any less important, because a proper relationship with relatives, a connection, helps to find your identity, creates a sense of security and the understanding that you belong to certain circles of people, you are part of it. But – the question arises, how to create that connection when we are all different, different generations and perspectives?“, – says the psychologist.
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She says that first of all she advises to look at your expectations, because sometimes we expect and want everything to be according to us, so we try to re-educate each other, teach each other to behave as we need. This can cause tension, conflicts, because we go through the need to teach, not through connection, friendship, understanding. The attitude of how we will create a connection is very important. As the psychologist says, – will we stand with fists and dictate our conditions, behave angrily, disrespectfully or start with sincerity and open expression of how we feel, what we expect.
Sometimes we expect and want everything to be according to us, so we try to re-educate each other, teach each other to behave as we need.
„If every time we come, the question ‘when will the children come’ surprises us and it annoys us, but we express our dissatisfaction with attack and indignation, the essence of the conversation will definitely not be heard, but the tone and our behavior. All this will encourage the other person to defend themselves, so the result will not be pleasant for either. If we try to choose another tactic and talk with a friendly attitude, just trying to explain, that relationship and connection can develop quite differently“, – explains the psychologist.
Forbidding communication – a bad choice
When conflicts arise among relatives and communication breaks off, children usually do not communicate either. However, this happens by the will of the parents, because small children have no choice. „It is very sad when children are involved in parents’ conflicts, who are not asked what they want. Children become a tool of manipulation to hurt others. For example, brothers do not communicate, and also do not allow their children to communicate, but at the same time block the opportunity for their own children to create a connection, to get to know each other“, – notes the psychologist.
She adds that later, when grown up, children may be angry at their parents, hold resentment all their lives for not allowing communication with relatives. Of course, the psychologist notes that there are exceptions when parents know that communication can harm the child, emotionally and physically. But if this is not the case, communication should not be stopped, because these are issues of the child’s identity, family history, and by understanding our relatives we understand ourselves better.
Blocking communication can backfire on us, affecting the child’s emotional well-being.
„Blocking communication can backfire on us, affecting the child’s emotional well-being“, – explains the psychologist.
We have to make efforts ourselves too
If in childhood parents are responsible for nurturing communication with close ones, later we have to make efforts ourselves. „Children are very vulnerable and react to parents’ demands and what they seek. Here again there are two sides – some parents may not allow communication, not want to create a connection, while others force children to communicate even if they do not want to, it is unpleasant for them, for example, when they are told to go hug an aunt or uncle. Therefore, it is also important to respect the child’s wishes and attitude“, – explains psychologist V. Navickė.
She also suggests observing our own behavior, since the quality of the created connection depends on us. The child learns from what they see. If we tell them not to do something but behave the opposite ourselves, we will not see results.
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„If children see that parents communicate respectfully and nicely with grandparents, their own parents, and the child learns that respect, positive connection. Parental involvement from all sides is very important“, – says the psychologist.
She has to analyze relationships of several generations, for example, children, parents, and grandparents. Sometimes parents do not understand why grandparents take care of their children differently than they themselves did, pay a lot of attention, even feel resentment that they themselves did not experience such behavior from their parents as their grandchildren do now. V. Navickė suggests looking at everything more broadly, since parental roles were different back then, there was different pressure, a different attitude prevailed.
„It is important not to start pouring resentment that ‘you were not a sufficient father or mother to me, and now suddenly you play the perfect grandmother or grandfather’ and because of that not allow communication with grandchildren. It is important to assess whether the child will not be harmed in such a situation. I also notice that parents often no longer accept help from their own parents, which hinders the connection between grandchildren and grandparents. So it is very important for parents to behave properly with both sides, show how the connection is created, and not overdo the demands on grandparents, because due to many demands on how and what to do, grandparents feel tension and the relationship with close ones suffers“, – notes the psychologist.
Connection is created not only when everything is fine
V. Navickė says that the connection between relatives is created not only when everything is fine. It is even strengthened more when we face conflict, misunderstanding and try to restore a good relationship.
„If grandparents or relatives ‘mess up’, they should not be written off immediately, but rather, it is worth trying for everyone to find that common point“, – thinks the specialist.
She mentions that boundaries in communication between relatives (and in general) are necessary, because if there are none, then someone sacrifices their well-being. „If a relative cannot say ‘no’ without the other person getting offended, then there are problems with boundaries, and the communication itself is difficult or even toxic“, – says the psychologist, adding that sincere expression of how you feel is very important.
Creating a connection with relatives, nurturing traditions, close communication gives a person a lot.
She says that it is never too late to create or renew a connection. Although relatives often have our image from birth and expect us to be the same, to remain that old version of ourselves, we should not give up. Communication may require additional steps, but once restored it can become a real gift.
Creating a connection with relatives, nurturing traditions, close communication gives a person a lot. „It creates a sense of inner security because relatives are also a reflection of our inner world. So if there are unfavorable situations, circumstances, a person will feel safe and be able to overcome difficulties. It affects our mood, ability to better cope with difficult situations or stress. Kinship also affects external security, that we can trust, create contacts with other people. The relationship with relatives leads to a relationship with the world. So if we communicate nicely, it will be easier to create communication in other areas as well“, – notes V. Navickė.
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